Day 8,Week 2: RYM Chapter 6

"Contentious Woman"

 

but first Restored Marriage Testimonies

taken from

 


Another Restoration Miracle of the Lord!

I found Restore Ministries online when I was searching for a support group for people who wanted their marriages restored.

The Lord showed me that He was indeed using the trials in my life to draw me back to Him. During the time I was away from the Lord, my life felt hopeless and meaningless, and, even though I had a relationship with my husband, I felt lonelier than I ever had.

I soon became a contentious wife, constantly nagging and treating my husband more like a child than the leader of our home. I became prideful and resentful. I was completely blinded to everything until my husband was removed from our home and I began to seek God. He showed me that I had been wrong. He also opened my eyes to see that the battle was not against flesh and blood, but against Satan.

God gave me a new perspective on my circumstances and taught me how to love my husband the way He does. God became my support, encouragement, Comforter, and Friend. He taught me that all things are possible with Him, and if I remain in Him and His words remain in me, He will give me the desires of my heart. He developed in me a deep love for His Word and for spending time with Him. He also opened my eyes to all the people around me who are hurting because they are lost and need to know the love of Jesus.

Even before I found Restore Ministries, I was certain God wanted me to believe for our marriage. I knew I had messed up in many ways. I wanted my husband to come home, but I was also terrified that he would. I was terrified because I didn't know how to be different. I was filled with fear that I would go back to being the contentious, nagging wife because I knew that when he came home he wouldn't be perfect.

But, through the resources of Restore Ministries and God's Word, I learned that reconciliation and forgiveness are always God's desire. I learned that I could claim that for myself and not doubt it. I learned what the Bible says about the role of a godly woman and wife in the home. I learned that other women were going through exactly what I was going through, and they were seeing God fulfill His promises to them through miraculously restored marriages! God led me to Restore Ministries, which provided the encouragement I needed at exactly the time I needed it.

I have the Restore Your Marriage book, the Wise Woman workbook, the Q&A books, the Testimony book, the "Be Encouraged!" videos, two Q&A videos. I had very little money, but I prayed that God would provide to buy the resources that would encourage me, and He did so faithfully! All of the resources helped me. They gave me encouragement, hope, and a sense of peace.

I especially recommend the Wise Woman workbook. It helped me learn how to be a godly wife. So many of the principles can be applied not only in a marriage relationship but in all of our relationships! I recommend it to anyone who is married or ever wants to be married. Many of the Biblical principles in it were new to me because I had been so diluted by the ways of the world.

Lord, I praise You for changing my heart and for molding me into the woman You created me to be! Thank You that You have worked all things together for the good. Even circumstances that seemed so horrible at the time—You used them to increase my faith and draw me closer to You. You have taught me the power of prayer and the importance of abiding in You.

Thank You for bringing my husband home, but, most of all, for giving him a love for You and a desire to seek Your ways. You have done more than I even hoped for, and You are not finished yet! I praise You for You are wonderful, wise, and omniscient! I love You!

You deserve all the glory, honor, and praise. Please use our lives as a testimony to our families of Your love, forgiveness, and power!

God Shines on Another Marriage in Illinois!

It was by divine intervention that I found Restore Ministries. I was so down spiritually and emotionally that I was surfing the Internet looking for help and hope, and I found you!

God filled all the voids with His sweet presence in my life. I have been filled with His Holy Spirit, and I enjoy just being in His presence. God always reminds me of that when I try to blame my husband or others. I've grown confident in the fact that Jesus loves me no matter what and that makes the difference for me! It is easier to be free when I let go and let God.

I learned to shut my mouth, which was very hard because I had always been a people person. However, I now tell God all my concerns as I journal and seek Him for every situation in my life. My life is in God's hands.

In addition, I have learned to cast down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God; I've finally learned that (as Erin says) the battle is going to be lost or won in the mind.

Oh, the joy that floods my soul! Even if God never did anything else for me, He has already done so much more than I imagined.

My favorite resources are the Women's Workbook and the "Be Encouraged!" video series. I have had them for almost two years and I still return to them from time to time. I have shared them with so many people who have had their marriages restored, too!

The thing that I like best about the materials is that they are straight from the Word of God, and you cannot go wrong following His Word! I know that this ministry is straight from God.

Please get the cassettes. Erin's voice will put you to sleep on those lonely nights when your soul can't find any peace. She soothes the soul with all the hope she offers through her testimonies. She shares the times she was out of God's will and how she got back on track.

Abba Father, Creator of everything and everyone, it is with sincere devotion and adoration that I praise Your holy name! Thank You, O God, for being the lifter of my bowed down head, my bowed down heart, and my heavy load.

My praise is long overdue. You, O God, had already restored our marriage, but I was being rebellious by not praising You even before I received the victory. Your Word says, "Don't wait until the battle's been won; shout now! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!"

When I finally stopped fighting in the flesh and went into spiritual warfare, God stepped in and took over everything. I can't stop praising Him for every trial and tribulation because He has been with me every step of the way. Thank You, Lord, for this ministry, for Your anointing of it, for the fellowship, for the friendship, and for the love that's shown here. I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth!

Hang in there, my brother; hang in there, my sister! Your season of harvest is about to come forth. God bless us all.

God Restores Another Marriage!

Praise the Lord—I have to give God all the praise and glory He so richly deserves! My husband has moved back home after being gone for four months. We have had problems for almost two years. I could not have survived the past two years without the Lord giving me strength and wisdom.

Thank you for your website and encouragement—it has truly blessed me. When I found your site, I immediately knew I was going to believe in God for a miracle in our marriage. The journey has not been easy or pain free—it was extremely difficult! I would not wish it to happen to anyone. At the same time, it has been a growing experience in my spiritual life that I would not trade for anything!

God has been so faithful and patient with me, even when I was not with Him. He has continually answered prayer, and has burdened people to pray and fast for me. I will never cease to give the Lord the praise and glory for what He has done. He asked so very little on my part. All the Lord asked was that I believe in Him, and wait on Him. That does not sound like much, does it?

At times, I made those two things a lot harder than they needed to be. I have had days when I was impatient and doubted God, but He never gave up on me! He kept picking me up, and continued loving me. There were times when things looked impossible in the flesh. Remember, WITH GOD, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!

I know if He could soften my husband's heart, He could do the same for anyone else who would believe. You do not have to DO anything (on your own). You just have to trust God and believe—it's very simple!

I discovered from your ministry's resources that I was not the great wife I thought I was. Can you believe that? I have been so judgmental of things my husband did or said. I nagged him, and was NEVER submissive. NO, not me! Boy, have I been deceived! I know now just how wrong I have been. Coming to that understanding has made the biggest change in me.

My husband came home because I changed! God changed me; my husband saw those changes and wanted to come home! He has told friends that he respects how my spiritual life has grown, and how I have matured in the Lord. I appreciate that comment more than anything he could have told me, including “I love you” (which he has not said in two years)! But he will!

The night before my husband moved back, the phone rang. It was the pastor of a church he visited with his best friend. His friend told the pastor that the house my husband was renting would soon be available.

The pastor called to ask my husband about renting the house. Afterward, my husband told me he had asked God for a sign that he was doing the right thing, and would not regret coming back. What a sign God has shown both of us!

When things look their worst, please don't give up—you are on the verge of a breakthrough! In the last few weeks, I have been under numerous attacks, but look where the Lord has brought me now. PRAISE THE LORD!

God is so good and worthy of our praise! I pray that God will continue to bless Erin and your ministry to further the good work to encourage others in our situation. All your materials are true!

The part of your book about having a quiet and gentle spirit might as well have been written directly to me. I thank God for changing that in me! My husband thanks you too! Amen!

Life after Miracle Restoration Will Never Be the Same!

I was referred to Restore Ministries by a man who answered a posted prayer on the Guidepost prayer site last November or December.

Within two weeks, God led me to several ministries that pray for healed marriages. I heard a voice that woke me up one Sunday telling me to go to church (when I thought I was alone). I thought I was alone but learned quickly that I was NOT!

My heart became forgiving and I sought and hungered for the Word. I constantly read about God and His promises. (Before that, I HATED to read!) I had complete faith and trust in God to heal my family and sanctify them all through me. I was armed with the weapons of God and was NOT afraid to use them.

I hate what Satan likes and refuse to allow him into my life or the lives of those around me. Through the trials (and there have been MANY—fires, floods, three lawsuits, one of our children placed in a youth camp for stealing, etc.), God gave me comfort and peace! It is amazing and exciting to be a part of everything. My life will NEVER be the same!

Most importantly, I learned to love and forgive just as Jesus did; when I thought I could not, I asked for help in doing so! It sounds too easy, but it is the truth! And, I learned to worship and praise and pray, no matter what! Even when you don't feel like it, force it and soon it comes naturally. I even recorded prayers so that Satan did not win any skirmishes! I played them when I did not want to say them.

Your resources that helped the most were How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage, the workbooks and the "Allure" tape.

I DO praise God for the changes HE has made in my life. I praise Him for the changes in my husband and children. A year ago, I wanted to be ANYONE else and now I cannot wait to see the person that God will make of me. I like who I am now and cannot wait to serve Him and be a testimony of His great love and grace!

Restoration in California!

God has brought my husband home and He has made a new godly man of him! My husband is a blessed man of God and I am a new wife!

I found your ministry because I was in need of sound and very spiritual marriage healing advice and I began to search for anything from God. He led me to your website and I loved it from the first! I will continue to read the blessings and count mine daily. I needed to know of some up-close and personal restored marriages, which I found on your site.

I was blessed when I found Restore Ministries and started reading the testimonies. I was blessed, encouraged and impressed by the directions from others who had "made it through." I was also blessed by another friend whom I met through your ministry who gave me a lot of the literature that I now treasure.

God began to show me that one day I would be glad that He was taking me through my storm and that it was a growing process for just a season! He promised never to leave me nor to forsake me! He always carried me in my down and up days!

What I learned through all of this was that He told me to just trust Him, and if He would take me to it, He would take me through it! I had to learn to depend on Him only and put Him first in my life—no matter what! He taught me that nothing was too big or too small for Him! He taught me to hold on to His promises and that He would never fail me! He showed me that nothing was impossible for Him!

I have some of your literature and it is something to behold!!! I especially found "Facing Divorce" very helpful—I loved the prayer at the end that included everything in those five pages that I needed to pray about. I am still using those prayers daily! Let me say that the inspiration of God and the real-life stories will definitely cover what you are going through right then! You can just put your name in at any given moment! Please read and be encouraged about what God wants you to have and that is a restored marriage. Read Restore Ministries' books and do just what God has led them to share with you!

So many times when I felt low, I would read some of my books and just stand up and say “Thank You, Lord, for these encouraging books!” Believe it and receive it! The stories are right in your lap and you just get so happy to know what God can turn around for your good! Read them and it will help you to believe for your marriage no matter what it looks like to your carnal eyes!

God's Word does not return void! He will do just what He said He would do! So, enjoy the journey reading Restore Ministries’ books and the many testimonies and believe that you will soon see your miracle story!

I can only offer up praise to God! He is the sustainer of my faith! I rejoice daily in what He takes me through! He orders my footsteps daily! I trust Him! He loves us so much, and believe me, every teardrop is being softly touched by Him! He knows every hair on our heads and that lets us know that we can cast our burdens on Him because He cares for us!

He loves us so much! He also loves your husband who is gone more than you do. Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all else will be added unto you! I have been in prayer for my marriage since August 1, 2002! My husband and I have been together for 30 years! God gave me unconditional love for him! I had to see him through God’s eyes!

I stayed in prayer so much of the time. I had to fall on my face before God! I asked Him to forgive me if I had ever put anything or anyone before Him! I had to learn that God was taking me through this for a reason and that even though I was saved, He wanted me to get closer to Him! I did and it has been such an awesome experience.

He told me to be still and know that He is God! He began to give me the peace that surpassed all of my understanding! He told me that I was to depend on Him and that He was taking care of my husband! He loves him more than I do and he is His child, too!

I would always ask God to let me get a glimpse of Him and He did each time! When that started happening, God began to really show Himself to me! I prayed daily for my husband and our marriage to be always blessed and covered by the blood of Jesus. I then began to thank God for bringing my husband home.

I would pray the prayers of thanksgiving and worship to God! The more that I gave to God, the more He gave to me! One Sunday when I least expected it, I came home to my husband mowing the lawn, which I had asked him to do many times before. I began to praise Him with all that I had!

My husband told me that this was now between God and him. I told him that I respected his thoughts, while at the same time in my mind and heart I was praising God for bringing him home! Well, all praises to God! The following Tuesday he came to my job and said that he needed the key to our home!!!

During my prayer times at home, I would always tell God what I wanted to see in our home and He blessed that very Friday night with just what I had petitioned in my prayers. Once again, my husband is a blessed man of God! God has brought my husband home and He has made a new godly man of him! I am a new wife!

It seems that the restoration process really begins when your husband walks through the door! Satan will try to destroy your faith, but know that God is still in CONTROL! We serve a big God! He is faithful to His Word! He will do just what He said He will do! Trust Him no matter what it looks like!

God bless Restore Ministries and all of you continue to P.U.S.H. (Pray Until Something Happens)! God is real!

Virgie, RESTORED in California

Restored in Ghana!

I desperately looked everywhere for help and surfed through the web like crazy looking for godly guidance to restore my marriage. After I went through several sites and posted my problem on one site with a request for prayer, someone sent me an email with the web address for Restore Ministries; that was about three years ago.

God showed me that I needed to forgive my husband for all the pain and humiliation he had taken me through. He convicted me of my contentiousness and argumentative spirit and led me to repent. It was only at that point that I felt peace.

I wanted to draw closer to God and feed more on His Word. From time to time, I blew it, but God in His mercies sustained me throughout this difficult period. Our children and I hardly saw or heard from my husband for several months, and I wondered how (on earth) he would see the changes in me. However, I remembered from the RMI materials that it was because I was not ready. Many times I got distracted, but God never let me down.

My parents and his parents were supportive and encouraged me not to give up. Although they didn't know the details of most of what was happening, they continued to pray with me. My brothers were divided; there were those who felt I should call it off, but two of them stood with me in prayer. One of my colleagues who happened to know about my situation also stood with me and was an encouragement partner.

I cannot thank God enough for His unfailing mercies and for restoring our marriage after five years of marital troubles and separation! After I searched frantically and desperately for help, someone finally introduced me to Restore Ministries. That was such a godsend!

I was on the website every day for encouragement from the Questions and Answers section, the Praise Reports and Testimonies of Restored Marriages. I ordered the restoration materials and pored over them like crazy. God convicted me through Erin's materials of my contentiousness and I asked God for forgiveness. I wanted more of God and prayed like never before. It was a difficult walk and I messed up sometimes, but God gave me the strength to hold on.

With time, God was changing me but at that time I still didn't see much of my husband. My children wanted to know why Daddy was never at home and I told them Daddy loved them, but he had a lot of work to do outside and would be with them soon.

Their friends were curious and so were my friends and neighbors who always asked where he was, and of course I had to find some reason so they would not know about my situation.

We went through really tough times and I cried just about every tear in me, but God was always merciful. My husband threatened me with divorce many times, though he never actually filed. He gave everybody the impression that he had filed for divorce, but then I found out that he never did.

As I got into the materials and God was changing me, I could feel and see the anger and hate walls coming down and he stopped talking about divorce (although he made no plans of restoration).

The Lord has taught me through all of this the power of forgiveness. I have learned to trust Him more and depend on Him for all my needs instead of putting my trust in man. I have learned about the danger of being a contentious woman with an argumentative spirit.

The Lord has taught me to make my speech sweet and gentle, winning without a word. I have learned to let go and let God, and to stop pursuing. There are countless things that I have learned!

I believe it was reading your books and listening to the tapes over and over again that encouraged me to hold on and believe that no matter how terrible my situation was, God would restore our marriage. I would highly recommend How God Can and Will Restore Your MarriageA Wise Woman, the "Be Encouraged!" series, the "Be Radiant" tape, volume 1, and the Holy Bible on cassette. I needed to allow Him to make the changes He required in me, and to teach me the biblical principles for a successful marriage and walk with Him. I found all these materials useful in making those changes!

After seeing the changes in me, my husband started to change. He held me and told me that he was sorry for all that had happened, that he loved me and always had despite everything. He said I was a virtuous woman and the best woman that ever came into his life, and that he wanted us to get together again and make sure that we never got back into this mess.

Then things started improving a lot faster. He was getting in touch more often and he told me he cared, but I was careful not to show too much enthusiasm. I saw him more often and he started talking about us as a family again. I tried not to push him.

Then, he started calling me “honey” sometimes and being nice and pleasant. After what seemed like an endless, almost five-year battle, I began to see many changes in my husband toward me. The anger and hate walls had come down completely. My husband asked me to forgive him for all that had happened and wanted us to get together again and make things work.

He's being so lovely now and I'm just amazed at God's goodness! It all happened so fast that it seemed as if I were living a movie, so much so that I kept wondering if it was real! Many things have happened after that and I give God all the glory!

He said he could not explain how it all happened and that it should never have come to that. He said that instead of using all the precious time we lost fighting each other we could have worked on our marriage to make things better. He said we needed to talk it all out and forgive and repair all the damage that had been done.

But this was unbelievable! Soon after he said all this, all kinds of thoughts came into my mind, playing back all the pain and humiliation, and I started wondering if I wanted him back. But I knew where that came from! So I asked God to forgive me because I had prayed for a miracle and when the miracle came, the enemy came to steal my peace and my miracle.

It has been marvelous since then, and for the first time in years, he led the family in prayer, thanking God for His mercies and asking for forgiveness and sustaining power for what lies ahead.

It is still like a dream to me when I think about it all. But I give God all the glory and pray that He guides us in the future. There are still many areas to work on, but I know God will give us the strength to pull though.

I'd like to encourage everyone to hold firm and see the salvation of our Lord. Believe me, it is impossible for me to give you the details of all that I've been through. It certainly looked like the most impossible of situations, but God in His mercies has restored our marriage. He will do the same for you if you don't give up. Praise the Lord!

Lina, RESTORED Ghana


 

    
— Chapter 6 —

Contentious Woman

A constant dripping

on a day of steady rain

and a contentious woman are alike;

he who would restrain her

restrains the wind

and grasps oil with his right hand.

—Proverbs 27:15–16

 


Ask Yourself, “Am I a Contentious Woman?”

Maybe that question is difficult to answer because you’re not exactly sure what a contentious woman is. If we check the Strong’s Concordance, the word contention means a contest, a quarrel, strife, quarrelsome spirit, argumentative.

Were your conversations with your husband usually a contest to see who would win or get their way? Did you win many times? Let me share with you that I was a contentious wife and I won often, or maybe most of the time—but actually I lost! I lost my husband and the family life we had!

Do you ever quarrel with your husband? “The beginning of strife is like letting out of water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out” (Prov. 17:14). Yet, the world and so-called “experts” in marriage tell us that a good fight is actually good for the marriage. Don’t you believe it! Arguing will destroy your marriage! If you continue to argue with your husband, you will lose your opportunity to restore your marriage!

Is there strife in your home? “Better is a dry morsel and quietness with it than a house full of feasting and strife” (Prov. 17:1). Are you the gentle and quiet woman that 1 Peter 3:4 speaks of who is precious in the sight of God? Are your children loud and unruly? Your husband will not come around to see you or the children if he feels strife in your home. Even if you change, but your children remain obnoxious or unruly, your husband will seek peace and solace in the arms and home of another.

Do you have a quarrelsome spirit? “But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged” (2 Tim. 2:23). Are you a “know-it-all”? Do you have a contrary comment to the things your husband says? God tells us to “agree with thine adversary quickly while thou art in the way with him, lest at any time thine adversary deliver thee to the judge” (Matt. 5:25 KJV). Watch out for divorce court!

Are you argumentative? “Urge bond slaves to be subject to their own masters in everything, to be well-pleasing, not argumentative” (Titus 2:9). Are you Jesus’ bond slave? Has He bought you with a price? Then you owe it to Him to be well-pleasing. Now that we’ve seen what it means to be contentious, God’s Word mentions five times how awful a contentious wife is. Let’s take a look.

 

A Contentious Wife

Contentious woman. Have you ever had a dripping faucet that drove you crazy? “And the contentions of a wife are a constant dripping” (Prov. 19:13). Sometimes it takes someone calling attention to that drip (maybe a friend or your father-in-law) for your husband to notice the dripping, but once he has, that’s all he’ll be able to hear! Have you ever wondered why men move out of their homes and often in with a harlot? Proverbs 21:9 tells us that it’s because “it is better to live in a corner of a roof, than in a house shared with a contentious woman.”

Contentious and vexing woman. Again, a man would rather live without water and in the desert heat than live with a wife who challenges him and his authority. “It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing [annoying or angry] woman” (Prov. 21:19). God is so adamant about this verse—He repeats it! Are you listening? “It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman” (Prov. 21:9).

Constant dripping. God compares a constant dripping to a contentious woman eventually causing a person to move out. Why doesn’t the man just fix the roof? Because God says that it is impossible! “A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike; he who would restrain her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand” (Prov. 27:15–16).

Being Subject

A lot of your contentiousness may be rooted in the fact that you believe that marriage is a partnership. This is what I believed and later found out was nottrue! Instead, God has put the family, along with the rest of His creation, in levels of authority. Our husbands are our authority. This is important for you to understand. “But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ” (1 Cor. 11:3). “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything” (Eph. 5:24).

What is submission or being subject? It is obeying without a word, even if your husband is being disobedient to God’s Word. It is not insulting in return for his insults or threatening him. First Peter 3:9 says, “not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead . . .” “But giving a blessing instead” means responding to an insult with a compliment and a good attitude “as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior” (1 Pet. 3:2).

Is submission applicable today? “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today, yes and forever” (Heb. 13:8). In Matthew 5:18 Jesus says, “For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass away from the Law until all is accomplished.”

Christ is the head of every man. How can we be sure that God is over Jesus, and my husband (saved or not) is over me? “But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of woman, and God is the head of Christ”   (1 Cor. 11:3).

Respectful behavior. Now that we are sure that God is speaking to all wives, what does He command? “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, so that if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior” (1 Pet. 3:1–2).

Being Subject. “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything” (Eph 5:22–24). This Scripture explains that our relationship with our husbands is to be the same as Christ’s relationship with the church. Isn’t it sad that so many churches don’t submit to Christ and His teachings, just as so many women don’t submit to their husbands? Is there any correlation?

Holy women. Where is our hope in submission? “For in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands” (1 Pet. 3:5). Our hope and trust is in God, not in our husbands. Therefore, we do not need to fear if they are doing the wrong thing! “Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear” (1 Pet. 3:6).

Protector. When we women protect ourselves because we feel we can “fight our own battles,” why would we need husbands? Was it you who told the salesperson off or got rid of that guy at the door, probably with more gusto than your husband would have? Did your husband forget how to stand up for you since you usually took over? Who really wore the pants in the family? Who was really stronger?

Did you tell your husband to mind his own business when he said to take it easy or to slow down? What did your husband do when you continued to rebel? First, he backed down because he didn’t want another fight; then he moved out of the “constant dripping” house; then he found another woman to give his affections to!

If you have remained contentious, then when he has come around or called or emailed, he has had a reminder of why he left you. This is the reason why so many women do not see their husbands.

You must be a “totally transformed into the image of God” woman the first time God brings your husband around in answer to your prayers. If your husband likes what he sees and hears, he will be back for a second look. This is what leads to restoration! If God turns his heart, but his will overrides it because of your lack of change, then you cannot blame God.

The Root of Our Contentiousness:

Self-Esteem!

How did so many women become contentious? We women are contentious because we who are Christians imitate the world and the world’s thinking. The books we read, the counselors we seek, the classes we attend do not reflect God’s Word, which is pure and uncompromising. Most Christian women are full of psychology.

Poison dipped in chocolate is still poison! My sisters in Christ, psychology is more dangerous when it is dipped in Christianity because we eat it right up! We have been brainwashed into thinking that “self-love” and “self-esteem” are good things, but they are nothing more than pride! That was the sin that resulted in Lucifer becoming Satan!!

The contentious, prideful woman, the woman who “knows it all,” is the woman who argues and wants her own way—because she “thinks” she is right. And when she is wrong, her self-esteem needs to be protected. There is never a humble word or an “I’m sorry I was wrong”! The contentious woman has been conditioned to think that to make an apology would be too humiliating.

Our pride results in self-righteousness, which is why so many women reveal their husbands’ sins, because they can’t see their own sinfulness!

How to Rid Yourself of

Contentiousness and Self-Righteousness

If we confess. As we can plainly see, living with a contentious, self-righteous woman is nothing less than a nightmare, not just for our husbands, but also for our children. Let us pray as we ask God’s forgiveness. Let us seek His grace to help us become gentle and quiet women who are precious in His sight, as well as in our husbands’. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Too many misunderstand this verse and instead confess their husband’s sins. The verse says that we are to confess our sins.

Confess. When your husband comes home or comes to visit, ask him for forgiveness for your contentiousness and self-righteousness. If you no longer have contact with your husband, pray for an opportunity to tell him over the phone or in person. (Please, don’t call him!) “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much” (James 5:16). Again, this verse says that we are to confess our sins—not our husband’s sins—so that we can be healed.

When confessing, don’t go on and on with your “little speech.” Just tell him briefly that God has convicted you of being loud and argumentative, which is because you are prideful and self-righteous. Tell him, with the Lord’s help, that you are praying to change the way that you have been. Give him a kiss and leave the room, or say good-bye and hang up! Then, confess to your children and explain to them how God is going to help you to change through humility. So often they see or hear only about their father’s sin; it is important that they see that the separation or divorce was far from one-sided.

First be reconciled. If you don’t feel “led” to go and get things right, never go back into church. “Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering” (Matt. 5:23–24).

Grace to the humble. Also, be sure you are humble; don’t be too proud to come right out and say that you are a contentious woman. “God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Therefore humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time” (1 Pet. 5:5–6). Keep confessing every time you are contentious to anyone. Once you are tired of the sinful woman, and you really cry out to God to change you, you will cease to be one.

Here is God’s prescription. “And when they came to Marah, they could not drink the waters of Marah, for they were bitter; therefore it was named Marah” (Exod. 15:23). Moses threw a tree into the water, a representation of the cross of Calvary. You must also throw the cross into the sea of your bitterness. Christ died to free you from all sin, including your contentious arguing and prideful, self-absorbed behavior.

Jesus should be our example, always, in all things, in the way He walked on this earth. “Have this attitude [humility] in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself . . . He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (Phil. 2:5–9).

Personal commitment: to make others more important than myself, by putting away my contentious and prideful ways. “Based on what I have learned from God’s Word, I commit to renew my mind and to be a doer of the Word by being humble and by putting away my contentious ways.”